i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
