I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
How's work?
Spinning.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Everyone says I win the strip club
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
