Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize