Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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