You're so nebulous sometimes
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
