Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
