Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
