new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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