So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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