I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize