This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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