do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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