I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
