Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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