I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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