I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
