I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it hurts more in the daytime
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
