she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
