Midget sex pt 2 tonight
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
