We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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