New invention idea: vibrating tampons
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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