so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
