I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
