I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
