Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
