Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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