So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
