i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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