The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
