i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
