i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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