What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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