You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
