mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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