I am in a vortex of obligation.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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