Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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