Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
