Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
