I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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