Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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