Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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