Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Two words: blizzard sex
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
