I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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