I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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