So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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