OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
