I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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