All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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