I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
