Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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