i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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