I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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