fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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