Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
