Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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