she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
