I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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